It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
