In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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