I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
