Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
