2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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