Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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