you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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