Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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