I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
