Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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