My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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