he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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