My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Life is so much better after having sex.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
