You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why do cheetos always look like penises
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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