It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
