So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
