I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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