your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
