no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
