The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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