would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
