is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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