the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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