I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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