She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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