thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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