I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
