My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My vagina is officially offended.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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