Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
