he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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