my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
