ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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