a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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