just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
