yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
