Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
