I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sext me about skeletons
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
