I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Every concussion has its silver lining
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
