yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
