My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
