Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
