I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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