The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
