Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
