oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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