That's when you crack a 10am beer
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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