I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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