I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
