yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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