I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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